I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
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Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge