What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
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robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
do what now??
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Leonardo DiCaprisun
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.