Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
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me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
incredible
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
🐕🍷
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.