him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
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It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
(more comics:
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen