You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
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Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
you’re so productive for your wage
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99