The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
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Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.