Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
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I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE