My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
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A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Snapes on a plane.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
haha same
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Stop sending me this shit.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body