“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
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I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!