Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
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Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Social Media and Real life
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I cannot stop laughing at this
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.