It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
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If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more