The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
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[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.