Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
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Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!