I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
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If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.