My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
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An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car