“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
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I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.