Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
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*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War