My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
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This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
j o i m p
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby