When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
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“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.