If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
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That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!