When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
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People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Living the best life.. 😊
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back