20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
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I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn鈥檛 scare me anymore
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic鈥攐mg, yay.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
馃摲: elevasseur
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
#ParentingFacts
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Yup
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
guys i’ve cracked the code
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
hey boy 馃槈 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.