Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
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Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*