When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
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[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”