Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
You Might Also Like
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Tammy is short for Tamuel
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward