[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
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Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
How did we not see this back then?
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?