Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
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Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
They also CAN sing✌️
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
😬
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is