If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
You Might Also Like
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son