[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
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My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
We have a winner.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.