*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
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When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
When I laugh on my period
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land