An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
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If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there