Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
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A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!