Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
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The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.