As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
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My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.