Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
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photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course