Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
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They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
PLOT TWIST:
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question