I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
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[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Solving a traffic jam
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it