Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
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[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.