good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
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So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown