Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
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My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!