Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
You Might Also Like
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.