anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
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*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions