The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
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[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.