me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
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Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent