me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
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[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
i actually laughed 😩
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Maths meets science
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.