I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
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google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
What the hell is going on?
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.