Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
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THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.