You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
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How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
#Thanos #MondayMood
All is fair in drunk and war.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.