Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
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Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape