Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
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Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I’m good, thanks.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it